It was a lovely day in Springfield when the calm was shattered by the awful
events of that fateful Summer morning. Unbeknownst to the residents
of that fair city, a deadly alien virus had spread throughout the cannabis
greenhouse on Moon Colony 3, resulting in mutant pot which turned its victims into
giant, lumbering relics of the 60s, a hundred feet high! Born aloft by their new telekinetic
powers, the giant space hippies descend up Springfield to infect America's precious bodily
fluids with their mutant pot spores!
Attack of the Giant Space Hippies
Space Space Giant Space
Hippie Space Giant Hippie!
"Look, dude, it's like a little miniature town, with little ant people!"
"You goob, you are totally baked! It's not that they're so small, it's that
we're so big!"
"Whoa, what a trip! Lets crush them with our giant peace symbols and love
"No! We must use the awesome Power of Pot to transform them into giant space
hippies just like us, to sap the nation's will and destroy the American Way!"
Hippie Giant Space Attack
Attack Attack Space Attack
Hippie Giant Hippie Hippie!
Using a 50 foot high bong they had fashioned from an abandoned grain silo, the
evil space hippies sent clouds of mutant pot smoke drifting over the town.
"(cough,cough) Awesome bud, dude."
Soon innocent, God-fearing Americans were "turning on" in ways they had never
(Minnesotan accent) "Gee Swen, all this smoke is making me hungry, but these
five pounds of tater tots ought to hit the spot, dontchaknow?"
"Quite hogging those tots, eh? Besides, you don't need any more, you've already
grown three feet in the last five minutes."
(CRACK!) "Oops, there goes the roof!"
"Why do I suddenly have an urge to buy a strobe light and listen to
"No, man. I've got these new Phish MP3s I downloaded from the Internet"
Hippie Hippie Hippie Hippie
Can nothing stop these monsters from inflicting their shameless hedonism, wimpy
foreign policy and interminable bongo solos on an innocent public?
(Deep Male Voice.) "I'll save you!"
"Why it's Patriotic Man, back from his Castle of Fortitude!"
"You mean his Fortress of Vastness!"
Patriotic Man: "I'll stop those hippies with a little help from my friends: The
Space Space Space Space
Meanwhile back in Springfield:
"Our giant army of space hippies now numbers in the thousands! No one
pot power now!"
"No so fast, stoner!"
"Too late, Patriotic man! With one puff of our giant space bong, we'll turn you
into a giant tree-hugging communist draft dodger like ourselves!"
"You loose, deadhead! Thanks to my superhuman strength, I'm able to hold an
eight hour air supply clinched in my buttcheeks! Now taste the steely fist of
American justice, tofu-boy!"
Attack Attack Attack Attack
(sounds of fighting: Biff! Bam! Wham!)
For over an hour, Patriotic Man battled thousands of the giant space hippies in
a battle royal that spooked the livestock- (I think we should thrown in the
"Wilbur!" from National Lampoon's own Art Rock Parody here, just to amuse the 5
or 10 people who might get it...) and shook the ground for hundreds of miles
"Dude, stop moving so fast! My reflexes are baked!"
Finally, the sheer number of hippies finally weekend Patriotic Man
until he fell
into their cannabis-stained clutches. Is this the end for the red
white and blue
"Man, you are, like, so dead! I'm going to roll you up and smoke you!"
"No so fast, headcase! Look behind you!"
"The U.S. Army!"
"That's right, psychedelic loser! Get ready for the ultimate bad trip!
Bubblepuppy, fire the Bring Down Ray!"
<cheesy 1950s SF film raygun sounds>
"Oh no, man! Your harshing my buzz!"
"Oh my God, my tax return is due tomorrow."
(Woman's voice) "I've got cookies to bake!"
"I've got to see my Chiropractor!"
(Woman's voice) "Oh no, I forgot to have kids!"
"My 401K is down over 60% this year!"
"Marge! We're out of cupcakes!"
As the Bring Down Ray did it's work, the space pot spores died, and the hippies
shrunk back to normal size.
"Welcome back to the world of responsibilities, hippies! Now get a haircut,
get a real job!"
America was saved yet again thanks to the efforts of Patriotic Man. What have
YOU done for your country lately, you rock music listening slacker?
(c) 2003 Hidden Agenda